Thursday, July 25, 2013


Last month, one of my neighbors sent this epic letter to the HOA.

Covenants Committee,

Here we are, another year, another growing season, another series of noncompliance letters blanketing the entire neighborhood, like snowflakes or propaganda letters kicked out the back of a military transport while flying overhead. The HOA must spend tens of thousands of dollars on postage sending these out, I know they must go out to pretty much everybody since most of my neighbors (the ones I talk to) are all aflutter over theirs. At least nobody will feel left out. I believe it's a good thing that my HOA fees are spent this way because I wouldn't want them to be used dealing with the nonstop solicitors, noncompliant street parking, lack of crosswalks on the road by the town center, ensuring our trash is actually picked up on the appointed days, speeders on my road of the one by the park and weekend boaters clogging up all the remaining roads in the neighborhood.

Of course this isn't about my neighbors, trash, speeders, boaters, or the daily game of real-life-or-death-Frogger I play everyday trying to get to the town center, this about my rather compliant lawn.

How do I know it's in compliance you ask? Well for one, I talk to it, and it's of a generally agreeable nature; but also I know because every 4-7 days since the start of the growing season in April I've personally mowed the lawn to a height of 4"-5" and trimmed and edged the entire property and sidewalk. In addition I also do the following:

- pull weeds by hand, hoe and trowel; and with a Fiskars 7870 Uproot Lawn and Garden Weeder (very handy against crab grass by the end of the summer, but does well against deep rooted dandelions)

- spray several types of weed killer (commercial Roundup, Spectracide and Bayer Advanced) and other herbicides (glyphosate, Ortho MAX, agricultural use Roundup, Fertilome)

- spread seasonally appropriate fertilizer and yard treaments (Scotts Winterizer for 2 treatments last year, then this season's Scotts Turfbuilder weed & feed for 3 treatments) with my handy 2-wheel spreader

- chase children, defecating and urinating dogs and adults off of my curb strip and east-facing yard, the bus stop that I can't seem to shake on my property has accounted for thousands of dollars of yard damage over the years

- picked up animal feces from my curb strip and east-facing yard at least every week

- pick up trash, underwear and used condoms left by non-compliant and very noisy street parkers

- planted a new tree in the east facing backyard of my property

- cut and had ground down a dying tree in my backyard, including the stump

- mulched my tree bases and front landscaping

- regular waterings

In fact I've performed so much yard work this year and leading up into this year, at such an insane tempo, that I've sprained my elbow, suffered heat exhaustion, pulled something in my back and even vomited in my yard. Despite these medical concerns I've managed to soldier on because, I thought to myself, "I love my yard and I won't see one of those damnable HOA letters *this* year!". I've sat proud on my front porch, sipping an iced-tea, wiping the sweat from my brow with my remaining good arm and admired what may be the best looking yard on the block this year.

Sure it's not up to the standards of the pros, those guys with tens of thousands of dollars of high-end equipment, like the Stanley 62ZS Zero-turn Riding Mower with roll bar, a Kawasaki V-Twin turbo charged 31HP engine and a 62" cut. Or the Swisher ZT2866 Z-MAX XTR Zero-turn with a B&S EL 28HP engine, a 66" cut in an 11-Gauge cutting deck with a matte black finish...lawn mowing at 30mph and can turn on a dime. The ones who were born in a riding mower seat and cross cut their yard twice daily, then get out and tweeze the details in by hand. But like children, I'm proud of where it's at and where it's going despite having to occasionally beat it back into line.

I'm working with a 5HP Honda Self Propelled mower, 2-stroke gas powered trimmer and an 11-amp electric edger backed up with an electric leaf blower to clean out the detail work. My kit may not look like much, but it gets the job done. All told, I've probably spent upwards of $500 on yard supplies and another few hundred on services so far this year and exhausted almost all of my inventory, changed the oil and blade on my mower and gone through 2 dozen trimmer wires (hand cut to the perfect length from the spool).

Alas my dream was not to be and I found myself the disappointed receiver of a first, another first (I had to take time off of work to pick this one up from the post office as it was registered), and then a second notice. Shattered, I looked up into the sky and looked for meaning, tears slowly glistening off of my beard as I quietly wept.

At first I thought this was all a clever prank by a coworker, but I asked around and couldn't get anybody to admit to it, even under intense interrogation (nothing illegal). And then I thought, "nah, this couldn't be based on an inspection because my yard looks damn awesome this year". More muddling and searching about for explanations and solace and I came up with nothing.
So there it was, my non-compliance notice - it seemed the work of mad people, hellbent on a lustful pursuit of raw power, starting with a Machiavellian plan centered on driving home owners crazy about the state of their lawns until they are broken, in the style of '1984', and they admit that perfectly manicured lawns are indeed ugly tangles of failed dreams, that war is peace, freedom is slavery and all that.

After much thought, I can come to only two possible scenarios where I'd receive a notice this year:

1) The notices just get sent out to everybody regardless of their lawn condition. I'm jaded in thinking this, but as a strategy against some of the hardest of yard offenders (I call them 'Yardies') us residents have to live with some within a block of me, it could just work. I spent enough time pulling migrating weeds inherited from nearby rabid lawns that I could entertain this as a strategy of military brilliance. A kind of noncompliance blitzkrieg sent out with the force of a thousand singing Valkyries.

2) It's still a prank, but it's actually by the HOA. Every couple weeks, you guys sit around a list of residents who you know will get pissed off by receiving a nonsensical noncompliance letter about their yard (I've definitely had to dispute several in the past so I know I'm on record someplace). Maybe you send them to us all, maybe there's a roll of the dice, regardless, the letters are sent and the HOA office is filled with guffaws, vodka shots and statements to the effect of "this will really get his goat!".

Nevertheless, I'm obligated to treat all notices of noncompliance as serious, regardless of their absurdity, so after receiving the first notice I went out to Home Depot, purchased another $30 worth of yard supplies (receipt attached), mowed, edged and trimmed only 4 days after the last time I had done the same, treated the yard with the Weed B Gone and remulched my trees and garden (the first notice wasn't clear what exactly was out of compliance, and since I could find nothing in particular wrong with my yard, I performed everything covered in the letter). You'll notice that the purchase date of the supplies is 5 days after the First Inspection date, I believe it was the day we received the notice. All work was performed on the day of purchase.

Satisfied that my yard had now been attended to, and knowing that I would be mowing, edging and trimming it yet again in a mere 4 days (the 29th) by my previously reserved schedule, and then again on June 2nd, June 8th and then again tomorrow on June 12 (actually it was scheduled for today, but I've had to waste my time dealing with this compliance dispute), I felt confident that it would pass even the harshest of inspections, since it was not possible for my yard to be in noncompliance of any of the offending articles listed, especially on the date of the second inspection (June 6th).

Since I cannot further increase the maintenance tempo of my yard without giving up a promising and upwardly mobile career, I've also hiring a yard service at additional cost of at least $1000 through the end of the season.

If the HOA feels that these efforts and costs are insufficient, I'd be more then happy to entertain whatever absurd yard maintenance schedule, equipment, service and costs the HOA believes would be appropriate for maintaining compliance. In that event, please let me know where to send the bill to cover that level of yard maintenance and if I should expect payment net-30 or 45 so I can schedule and budget appropriately.

Since I'm clearly operating far above and beyond any reasonable lawn care regimen (which would be weekly mowings and trimmings with yearly mulchings), I trust that the second notice was simply a result of the first strategy above and that this matter is already closed. I look forward to the affirmative email in response so I can withdraw my attention from this matter and return to spending time tending my yard.

Kindest Regards,

1 comment:

Mark said...

Oh lordy, the typos! Never let a friend type and fume at the same time.